How to Challenge Your Negative Thoughts
Thoughts are not facts.
Our thoughts impact our emotions, our emotions influence our behavior and our behavior reinforces our thoughts. This represents the cognitive model used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
We are not taught explicitly how to regulate our emotions, how to appropriately respond in distressing situations or how to connect with our bodies as children. We learn these behaviors from observing our parents, caregivers, teachers, mentors and friends. And if they were never taught these skills, then how can they pass these on? How we move in the world is a combination of these observed learned behaviors.
Key words here: “learn” and “skill” - which means maladaptive behaviors can be unlearned and these are skills (not something you should be inherently good at).
See below for a few ways to start connecting with your thoughts in a curious way to understand why emotional reactivity exists with them.
Create a Thought Log
The first and foremost step is knowing what your thinking. Catching a thought is much harder than you might expect. We are thinking faster than we realize and one thought leads to the next so quickly that we hardly notice, before we are in a full spiral.
Start with creating a thought log or “worry” log. This is simply getting comfortable with noticing your thoughts and spending time with them. The more comfortable we get at catching our thoughts, the better we can understand the themes in our thinking and determine what our triggers are.
Examples:
“I was late today, I hope they aren’t mad at me.”
“I forgot something I needed at all. I’m always forgetting things.”
“I’m not good enough.”
Sometimes, I have clients share that they fear the more time they spend with their thoughts, the more they will feel upset and wont’ get anything done. This is such a valid fear, but let’s take a moment to observe the power of a thought. It can be so distressing that merely thinking it seems to cause us harm. We can so get entangled with our thoughts that they become part of our identity. These thoughts can’t hurt you and clients have shared that once they’ve written a thought down it doesn’t feel so loud in their head anymore.
If, however, this exercise feels too distressing, then reach out to a therapist to have support while exploring this part of yourself.
Create Distance Between You and the Thought
Once you have a good idea at the type of thoughts you have, let’s zoom in on the structure of your thoughts. Are most of your thoughts entangled with your identity? Take a look at the following two statements:
Goodness, I’m so anxious
I’m having the feeling that I’m anxious
The first thought demonstrates entanglement with your thought. There is no separation between you, a thought, and an emotion. You are that thought and you are that emotion.
The second sentence shows a separation between self and thought. It is the recognition that I am having this experience in a moment in time, that is temporary and fleeting. Because I am feeling anxious, does not mean that it is part of my identity.
Okay, I know this may seem small, but the way you talk to yourself does matter. Let me tell you, you are so much more than a thought and so much more than an emotion. Thoughts and emotions are part of your experience, not your entire experience.
Socratic Questions to Challenge Your Thoughts
These are questions to ask yourself to ascertain the validity and reliability of your thoughts. Our negative thoughts can often be rigid and does not allow for nuance. So, we have to create some flexibility by asking:
What is the evidence that supports this thought?
What is the evidence that disproves this thought?
What is the worst case scenario? Best case scenario? Most likely to happen?
What does my experience tell me?
Come Up With Alternate Responses to Your Thoughts
Thoughts are not facts and negative self-talk does actually does not make you feel more motivated to complete a task. It is more likely to hinder you. So, let’s find some nuance in our thinking to create cognitive flexibility. We don’t have to swing the pendulum from negative to positive, but we can find some neutrality. See below for some examples:
Instead of: I’m a failure.
Try: I’m trying and learning along the way.
Instead of: I hate my body.
Try: I am more than how I see myself in a moment.
The Cognitive Model can help you understand the relationship between your thoughts, emotions and behaviors and how you may react vs respond to life stressors. You are rewiring your brain when learning new behaviors and skills, which takes time. So, be sure to give yourself some grace and dare I say, even try to be a friend to yourself.
Want more help with this? Reach out today to get started!
Brooklyn Milner, LISW-CP
Charleston, SC Therapist